It’s been a while. Shortly after my last post, I had a sad event occur in my family. I again found myself running back and forth to and from hospitals (one of which was almost five hours away), fighting daily on the phone with my insurance company, and at the same time, trying to teach 191 students and take care of my family at home. I fell apart. I fell to pieces. I was overwhelmed with the severity of the situation and absolutely terrified for what may have been lurking around Future’s corner.
I took medical leave from work and stayed with my sick family member, at their side 24 hours a day, seven days a week, transporting them to and from outpatient care and keeping watch with them and praying like I’ve never prayed before in my life.
For a few weeks, I didn’t feel like I could fall asleep or leave this person’s side. I felt so scared.
But eventually, things started to look up, and after a month, I was able to return to work.
But I still feel like it will take a while for me to feel back to normal. I still feel like I am going to need some time before I can say that I am back on my feet. Most days right now, I feel like I am simply crawling through the day, from when I get to work, until I get home.
Some days, I feel like I can go out and run. Other days, I just want to come home and stay inside with my family for every possible second that I can. For a while, I wanted to cut off from the entire World and just disappear. I never wanted to write again…I wished no one knew I existed because I was in so much pain inside and I didn’t want anyone to be there to see me hurting so badly. I didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m still scared. I’m still uncertain about the future. I will continue to have good days and not so good days. But what I didn’t want was to sugar coat the whole thing and act like life was perfect. I feel so much like many places I go online is full of this, “Oh, look at me, isn’t my life freakin GREAT?! Don’t YOU wish you had a great life like MINE?” attitude. I am simply not that way, and it turns me off to see people online never experiencing any raw emotions; emotions that are very REAL, and that we ALL feel at times in our lives:
scared, ashamed, lost, confused, lonely, sad…
Right now, I am all of those things plus some.
I decided to finally post this because I had a coworker say to me today, “Debra, you are NOT alone. You are STRONGER than anyone trying to get to you right now. I KNOW you are STRONGER than them.” And I thought a lot about the things I have survived. This whole time, I’ve felt so weak and beaten down from the abuse I went through for 24 YEARS of my life. When someone hits you enough, you feel weak. When someone belittles you enough, you feel worthless. It’s hard to stop thinking in that mindset.
But people around me lately are telling me powerful things that I need to hear, to cover up those voices in my head that tell me I will never be GOOD ENOUGH. My therapist recently told me, “You are the bravest woman I’ve ever met.” And I spent the next few days trying to figure out how she thought I was brave!! Because I lived all of my life feeling so scared; I didn’t see how I could be thought of as a brave person when I literally spent most of my life trembling and afraid.
So I simply want you to know that if you are feeling these raw emotions like I am, it’s OK. They are natural, and I’m coming to learn that letting myself have these feelings, and focusing on them when I am feeling them is very healing for me. If I want to be mad at the person(s) who abused me, damnit, I have every right to be! If I want to cry for a childhood I didn’t get to have, then I’m going to!
People can think I’m a masochist or deranged, I simply don’t care anymore. I just want to have a place where I feel like I can be myself and pour out my thoughts, because THAT is what helps me heal. That is what makes me feel BETTER. And I hope that someone who really needs to can read these very words and feel better, too…and know that they are NOT alone, and that they too, are BRAVE.